It humbled me.

I witnessed an endless line of people, wrapping over each other like a broken Slinky, waiting to meet with a Mexican official to apply for a legal visa to the US in Ciudad Juarez. The line spilled over the uneven sidewalks onto streets bloated with traffic. It forced the car I was in to slow down, allowing me to look steadily into the heavy faces of those waiting.

As I saw them, I thought to myself, how far have they come? How many of them are, (quoting a famous Los Tigers del Norte song) Tress Veces Mojados -three times a wetback, crossing three borders (El Salvador/ Nicaragua, Guatemala, and Mexico). Many are from deep southern Mexico and have made the perilous journey to stand in a line that would give the line into hell a run for its money.

It sadden me.

Old, young, men and women, all waited. Some in lawn chairs, some standing, others sitting on the cold cement in a winter afternoon. Street vendors sold warm taquitos and coffee. Children played and avoided traffic to pass time. Many adults smiled while conversing. Sadly, with an immigration system head-locked with red-tape and expensive fees, many cannot afford to wait in Hells' Line, and dare to cross illegally.

It shamed me.

And me? I sat comfortably in my grandmothers Dodge Charger, with Texas license plates. The only line I would have to be in that day would be on the International Bridge of the Americas between the US and Mexico. I would only wait for about 20 minutes to simply say to a US Custom agent, "US Citizen".

It inspired me.

“I place her above all women that I have read in the past, have seen in the present, or can conceive of in the future”

-Ausgute Comte, French Philosopher and Sociologist

I can say – Comte was an self-absorbed loony, idealistic, and egotisic – but a genius -what a quote that shows true love.

My semester has been – well, rigorous– from the get go. This is mostly due to taking 18 hours and my insanely intense industrial sociology course – however, I think it’s giving me a great feel for graduate school. I’ve enjoyed the theories as well and have decided that organizations have a life of their own! What monsters they can be!

I’ve truly enjoyed my weight lifting course and fencing class – it’s a ton of fun – and I feel like a child when I hold the foil (fake sword used in fencing) in my hand.

It reminds me of playing make-believe in my Abuelita’s enchanted garden – a midst a wonderland of fresh fruit, vegetables, desert flowers and cactus - I was a knight that battled evil kings, flew a on a magic carpet, and saved the world, all the while being accompanied by my side kick, a Shepard mix named Princess.

There, my black and white mutt and I, spent the lazy, sunny afternoons eating honey sickles that were home for our tortises and sheltered them from the hot El Paso Sun. The jardin is where I planted my first strawberries (which I hardly got to taste – the tortises very must enjoyed them). Its where I climbed a shakey fence, to my grandmother's dismay, to reach the best grapes on the top of the vine.

Princess would watch me with a weary eye as I climbed our peach, pecan, and almond trees – warning me to be careful. We had to be make sure not to sink our feet and paws into the soft soil that encased my Abuelita’s squash, carrots, and onions.

The large gray Maguey that rested in the corner was my firend – an old spirit that I was careful not to disturb.

Since then – the garden has transformed, but has not lost its majesty. The same turtles and their offspring still reside there – the trees have been cutdown, but replaced with their seeds, and Princess passed away peacefully in her sleep in that garden. When I come home from college, it is one of the first places I go to visit and remember.

One day – I will have a garden too – where my little girl will play make-believe next to her loyal pal - like Princess - all the while trying to not step on the pink, cactus flowers.

Can I ask? Why aren't I allowed to be crazy for a day?

Since I've arrived, I've felt strangely incomplete. It's not that Berkeley made me feel complete...but somehow I am quick to be angry/frustrated/annoyed here.

It's been a little rough.

Stressful...with the onset of GRE, graduate school/fellowship applications. relationship stuff, getting the right classes to graduate with this semester, school organization crap, and the stress of seeing my father is mounting and pissing me off.

HAHAHA - I like hearing myself like this all whiny for no good reason.

When I read over my words I realize how completely insignificant my complaints are - I'm not fighting for my life, I'm healthy, my family and animals are doing well, and here I am stuck on tiny details of life.

It will be okay. Como siempre - like it always is. God and my trust in His plan for me in this life is what makes me realize what truly is important in my life.

What I am thankful for:

-Having such a loving person as Briana to share my crap with, God knows she takes on too much of my trouble.
-Mi hermanito and hermanita - we stay up late in my room dancing and watching youtube videos all night.
-My mom for laughing with me/at me while we clean the kitchen.
-My grandma for getting on my ass about being proud of myself and making me walk with her at 5:30 in the morning!
-For my stepdad for teaching me about my car and letting me get my hands dirty on it.
-My father for trying to see me - its in my hands now - I just need to get over the fear...
-My animales...they always help keep me in balance.
-For being back in the Southwest - I missed the dry, desert air and haunting mountains.
-For the chance to drive to College Station - can one be attached to a journey? I miss that road...
-A new semester - I miss school.


Ahh, much better.

I arrived to El Paso from Berkeley Saturday night.

Upon reflecting my experience and looking at past journal entries here, I remember that the theme for last summer in DC was growth.

This summer, my challenge was gaining confidence in that past growth and trusting it to see it to see me through.

One word to express Berkeley: HARD.

It was hard. Hard, hard, hard. Not the work – but the simple expectation of greatness that was put before me. I battled the most with myself.

But with prayers, God’s help, and Briana’s constant reassurance (to her annoyance I’m sure), I finished – paper/presentation and all. And I learned truly why the needs of Latinos are not being met and why our educational barriers are so difficult to overcome – the foundation of our educational dilemma is rooted into a blood-stained history. And what makes something essentially history is the fact that it cannot be changed – hence lies the problem. But what I learned is the examination of history sheds light to solutions never once thought of before. I hope to take this journey into the past that I made this summer and use it to illuminate the future in terms of education for mi gente.

On that note, I made a couple of reflections on this past summer, about Berkeley, California, and a bit of everything else:

• In N’Out has nothin’ on Whattaburger - I don't care what Californian's say!
• Northern California is just like Austin, TX - just without the cowboys.
• Texas has a baaaaaaaad reputation, I tell you.
• I can’t count how many times I was mistaken for being south Asian.
• Cool nights, the bay sun, and a pacific wind have kissed my face.
• Being awaken at 4:42 in the morning by a shaking Earth ain’t so bad…especially if it allows you to witness a sunrise.
• I learned that my value as a person and the value of what I love is not in my work, but my work in me.
• I can finally claim that I have lived in all four time zones – wooooo!
• Texas-centric is the correct term, thank you.
• I've never had to publicly speak so much in my damn life.
• Having a leg score of 10 out of 10 was the best compliment I had this summer.
• Dorm life is quite festive and quite distracting.
• Dorm food was…well, a great tool in trying to lose weight.
• 1342^/1n9 1337 \/\/45 0^/3 0|= 7}{3 83$7 $|{1££$ 1 941^/3Ð, }{4}{4.
• Can you get that close to someone you’ve never met before in 2 months?! (my roomie!)
• War stories will forever always have a tangible face for me now.
• Cohorts can turn into family.
• The flowers were especially eager to greet with their beauty there.
• Bay Area nights require a hoodie in the middle of July.
• Rushed depatures and goodbyes leave me feeling empty.
• I will miss the ability to find myself lost and encircled by old, grandmother red wood trees in the middle of Berkeley’s campus.



iHouse 3rd Floor view


Inside the iHouse


Bancroft Camino


Grandmother Red Wood


San Francisco
(Photos credit to local iHouse bud - Jose J. Perez)

Goodbye Berkeley.

Currently I am setting in my dorm's cafe, trying to get myself to type....

I'm setting in a hard chair, owned by hard working immigrant Latinos, and happen to be overhearing 3 young Latino sociologists, discussing the rhetroic of social principals, and I can't believe it.

LATINO SOCIOLOGISTS! and their so damn smart...

You don't get this at A&M.

This is what makes me want to go to a place for graduate school that is completely different from my undergraduate expereince. I look forward to headin' to Austin being around people that understand the raza.


Berkeley expereince has been eye opening and amazing.

(details later as I need to write -_-)

16hrs and 38 mintues & 1119.38 miles to drive to Berkeley, California.

I'm down. :)


Just waiting for them to let me know that they found a mentor for me. If not, I stay here - hopefully they do find one.

My world was in a simple, place of mountains and cactus flowers.
Of lucas, mango and chile, of words like, "este.." followed by English.

Purple and Red, my El Paso sunset.

I lived and breathed the scent of the wet desert.
Honks of dilapidated cars, running red lights in Ciudad Juarez, sang in my ears.
I loved the scent of fresh carne asada, at the outside taco stand of El Mercado.

The relaxed grip of my Abuelita’s comforting hand guides me through the crowd.

Now my world is of green trees and large plains.
Of powerful rainstorms, work and sleep, of words like, “Howdy,” followed by a smile.

Maroon and White, dominates my sight – my beloved mountains are gone.

I live and breathe the thick pollen of trees.
Honks of mean trucks, speeding dangerously by me, scream in my ears.
I love the scent of wasabe, fresh sushi at Northgate.

I got my Aggie Ring.
My mark of accomplishment and pride.
But I will never forget, as I live so far away, of my desert song – of El Paso

I got to feel that ring day, the relaxed grip of my Abuelita’s comforting hand.



Aggie Ring - si se puede!




Abuelita, Janice and I after I got my ring - it was hellishly hot in there...hence my sweatyness..very hot, I know..

Thank you to Briana and Janice for dealing with my crabby self that day

Even with your gimp toe you dealt with all those crazy ole's Ags...thank you, Bi-ana :)

Today I spent my free time, due to school cancellation, digging my car out of its icy grave....a little more than half an inch of ice sat on the the surface, making it look more like a glacier than a vehicle.

I looked around the suburban Austin neighborhood, past the cloud of my breath in front of me and saw everyone outside, sculpting their cars free from the ice, as if recreating the statue of David, it was funny...I was bundled up like the little brother in A Christmas Story, trying to avoid huge pieces of ice that I carved off my car from falling on my feet..


I wasn't very successful, ow.


My carocha


Mazada Ice Cave

The end of a 4 week test maddness has ended..and in examining it in retrospec...

IT SUCKED!!!!

But hey..its okay, because I've learned a lot and had fought to keep my love and focus on learning..

It is easy to forget, that we are in college for the sake of learning..and get caught up into the idea that it is merely a "stage" in life one hurries to get through. Tests and the anxiety abnout them truly takes the human factor, the love of knowledge, out of college. I keep having to remind myself of this.

While I sat in my hard chair at the library, blankly staring at my notes..

(to be continued)

So you readn and understand: the professor chooses you and praises your answers on mi Tierra
but the turth is,
the history of Mexico
is in me
The blood that rose and fell through the history of Montezuma,Cuauhtémoc, Juarez, Diaz, Madero, Villa and Zapata
rasies and falls in me
I am the result of a clash of cultures
Mestiza
Look into my dark Spanish eyes surrounded by my Brown Indian skin and you'll see
I am Mexico's History.

I held you up
At the beginning of your journey to power
But
In my journey
And in your absences and neglect
I am left to fend by for myself
Counterfeit affection is what you paid me with.

As an Aggie, I know that or undergraduate career is ending when my friends start getting excited in September and April...the time a senior gets their Aggie Ring.

Janice or should I say, Princess Seal, got her infamous Aggie ring..whoop y'all ;) Congradulations! ;)

As the tradition follows..we dunked Janice's ring for goodluck..and of course I took a picture of the aftermath..

Look at you, lookin' at me

With the gang at a little bar

Janice right before she downed her Sangria - aggie ring at the bottom

Aggie Tradition..

At last, the ring has been dunked!

Smile!

At my place - Margarita Party

Pillow!

A freaky pillow! Yikes!




Adale, well, that's that - early start tomorrow - studying bleh >_

My last and final year in Aggieland begins.

Many of things to do and with that comes many responsibilities, changes, and realizations.

I am taking the strength from my experience in Washington DC to help my propel me through this year - along with it I am exploring my new found sense of nature and how she will play a role in making sense of things in my life. My trip to Alpine was wonderful in helping me reconnect with the desert mountains.


What has most plagued my thinking has been the way this postmodern society handles its inter-personal social interactions and how it reflects in my life - in my personal relationships.

As I sit in my social theory class, I realize that this society is terrified of solidarity.

It prospers on uncertainty.

People are scared shitless of commitment.

I mean look at the way we classify relationships now, are you "dating", "seeing each other", "talking", "going out", - endless options that could be perceive as good, as freeing from the constricting rules of the oppressive past, but I think there is a paradox here...too many choices, leads us on a path of never making one. Is there is a consequence - a negative impact on the emotions of people, when they try not to classify?

Being in a constant state of ambiguity is painful I think.

Text messages - in all honestly, I dislike them. I appreciate their convenience - being in class, or somewhere where you have to communicate silently.

But they lack intimacy.

They're cold - black emotionless font.

Words that are shorten for sake of saving time - depressing when compared to hand-written notes between lovers of decades past.

How can you gage a text message? How do you truly understand what that person is thinking or feeling? There is nothing like seeing the carefully written words by the person you care for or hearing the moving tones of their voice. The individual and personal value I feel has been lost, through the text message.

The replacement of real interaction with a convenient text message is the norm now.

Despite my rant above, I am no way a pessimist - postmodernism is about the gradual destruction of society as we replace our interaction with technology for the sake of convenience. I feel there is hope, making me not a true postmodernist – which I am glad to say - those people are depressing.

I’m hopeful and happy for the future. Just like a rosebud in winter is, waiting for spring. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Getting back into the swing of things was more difficult that I had imagined – then I realized the root of the problem, I had a course overload..and shit…so I got rid of a course and feel a hell of a lot better.

I have a smack load to do, but who doesn't?

I'm already have had my handful of crazy experiences..

Yesterday, I got stuck in an elevator.

Yeah. Between the 6th and 7th floors.

The electricity cut out, not one of the emergency shits in the elevator fucking worked - it was like clockwork - I was reminded of my own vulnerablity.

Lovely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do, I would be lying, if I didn't say that I miss home. I miss my family, and terribly miss the mountains. But it will be okay, things are shaping up here...a clear path for my life is slowly, but surely being shaped.

I am excited to see what is to come.

Current creative project:

I purchased a cottonwood coffee table..unfinished..

It has been therapeutic to have a project to work on with my hands, All of the day’s worries and problems disappear as I sand it down, preparing it for the rich, turquoise paint that I bought for it. ]


I have been drafting a sun/moon design to paint in the middle of it – going for a Southwest motif. Bet no one would have guessed that one..;)

I miss our Kean song playin'
wine drinkin'
shot takin'
throw-upin'
NPR radio playin'
boy (and girl) eyein'
metro ridin'
random dancin' times
in Washington DC!

..the best picture. Ever.

Can I say that I really don't ok my best when I'm sleeping...

Not to mention I barely fit on that couch, it didn't help that every animal was trying to fit on to it with me!



:)

Aqui estoy.

I am back.

I miss DC, already, but Austin is a sight for sore eyes..



I cannot really began to explain how I feel about coming back, I'm happy..but sad-it feels as strange as as if summer and winter were occuring at the same moment in time.


But despite my inability to classify my emotions right now, I know one thing for sure..
I long for quiet desert and peaceful mountains of El Paso..I crave the feeling of putting my hands on the hot sand and feeling the Earth's heart beat.


Tomorrow, I drive to College Station-ass early-to move into my new apartmento..and I'm worried..because I'm not excited about it, and I know I should be. We'll see..I think I am just a little down from leaving DC.

After a long flight, a nap was in order..

:)

So here are a couple of pictures as of late:

"Damnit, Kristian."

Dinner at a Spanish Tapas bar in DC

They put me to work with the new foster kitty real quick..

Tona, missed me!

Gettin' some lovin'

Ehecatli, I actually cried like a baby when I saw him, I missed him so much

So..a long day ahead for me tomorrow..wish me luck.

My dream:

The sun is just finishing setting on the horizon and I am watching as the last bit of light glitters weakly off the waves of dark blue ocean.

A voice,

The Pacific

"Ah," I hear myself say in acknowledgment,"I'm in California.."

A cool breeze makes my hair fall across my face...I raise my hand to move a long strand out of my eyes and realize how relaxed I am.

I turn around on the stool I was sitting on and find myself at a lonely beach bar, on top of a hill, overlooking the sea. Tiki flames beside me dance and make the skin on my shoulders feel warm.

A ghostly, male bartender smiles at me and never says a word.

I am holding a drink - I can't remember what it was - just that the glass felt cold between my fingers..

I am content and happy.

I glance over my shoulder, down below the hill and see a large, sea turtle walking slowly along the beach. She began digging to the moist sand, and began to lay her eggs.

I suddenly felt worried and anxious for her, I put down my drink and made my way down the hill from my lonely bar. By the time I caught up to her she was burying her eggs...

"Mother Turtle!" I shouted as I ran to her side, she stopped digging and turned to look at me. Trying to catch my breath, I continued, "Mother Turtle, I'm worried..not all of them will make it..not all the babies will make it into the sea!"

She smiled and went back to burying her precious eggs and said nothing.

After she was done and started making her way back to her sea - I followed her, unsure if I should repeat my question and still felt filled with worry.

Then Mother Turtle, spoke gently,

"No,not all of them will make it.....but some will."

I stopped in my tracks and felt comforted, and watched as her shell and body disappeared in front of my eyes into the pacific..

"...but some will...," I said again to myself..


I woke up, feeling good..that entire morning I pondered on the dream's significance..

What is Mother Turtle, Nature, trying to tell me about my life?

I don't know..but I have a feeling...


"Not all will make it, but some will."

EDIT: As you all may have noticed, I changed my layout..I'm still working out the bugs as far as the overriding codes...aw geek computer days..anyway, hopefully I have this looking better..just be patient with me! (PS, my new user icon is of me and quetzal..aw :)

EDIT EDIT: I finally settled on Tare Panda for my background...he's too cute..



Washington DC.

Wow.

Never did I ever expect to fall in love with this city and feel as passionate for LULAC as I have become. My first two weeks consisted of moaning and goaning about how much I miss home...but now:

Growth.

That has been the theme for me this summer. I have grown in unbelieveble amount in so many areas...

I’ve grown and learned so much about myself, about government, about networking, about conventions, about emabrassment, about people, about relationships, about non-profits, about life – pain, joy, and sadness, about not having a car, about drunkenness, about beaches, about the ocean, about walking everywhere….

I never imagined what has happened so far in DC here to happen to me…I know I will miss it here. I’ve been told more than once that I “fit in”. That I could make it DC, and my heart gets excited…because I think I can, too; and something tells me I will be back..

Wherever the Creator wants me, I’ll go.

LULAC itself...


The term “culture” is definitely the appropriate word used to describe the membership one has an employee at the LULAC office. The mission of the organization itself is to preserve and promote a culture to equality with other cultures. The office itself and the aura in which the people work within it are very similar to a Latino family.

In Latino families there is always a “playfulness” that resides within all activities, where even serious events like a funeral, are subjected to tio Chuy’s jokes.

The LULAC office is like a big family, where deadlines, hate mail and Fox News attacks are met with a shrug and joke while a intelligent, witty response is drafted..

The office is extremely and is easy to “fit” into, however, like a Latino families, loyalty and dedication is expected; and likewise many long nights were spent in the office. The challenge that I have seen from my personal experience is meeting the expectations and pushing myself to go above and beyond in my assignments, because of the closeness of the office, it seems to be more about disappointing a friend more than an just disappointing an employee. The opportunities have been endless, the connectivity and networking is incredible at LULAC. I’ve met high governmental officials, CEO’s, and political leaders.

By just being introduced as “Aida, the intern", has opened dialogue and ended with an exchange of business cards.



So today- July 19, 2006-too funny.


So today, as I made my way down busy K Street coming up from Farrgut North Metro Station- searching for a place to by a cake for a potluck at work. I stop by a bakery with a sign that says “Vie de France" with a cute, miniture French flag, to pick up a cake as a replacement for my failed attempt (it broke apart :( ) to make one the night before for a coworkers’ potluck/goodbye party

…because many of the little bakeries are family owned/small business I excepted to see skinny Jacques behind the register, with a thin cigarrette, asking me behind his little mustache..,"How can I help you, mademoiselle?"

But it wasn’t with a Jacques, or a dark hairded French woman with a hairy back..

It was Rita, a native of Lima, Peru, “ Ello’ hows are you today?”

"Muy bien, gracias, " I respond with a smile. Its like I never left El Paso. :)

Latinos.

We are everywhere...

As I get ready to leave my office building..its Latinos taking out the trash.., as I walk in to the Crystal city underground, its Latinos cleaning the floor, as I run to Harris Teeter (grocery store) through Petagon City mall, its mi gente- sweeping the floors, as I do my nightly jog on 23rd Street, its them waiting at the bus stop, late at night, on their way home from a long day of work...


We are the economic backbone of this country.

Back in El Paso, I plan on getting up early one morning - driving to Hueco Tanks or the Franklin Mountains (hopefully my little mazada can handle it..) and hiking to a little spot and meditating...while thanking the Four Directions for letting come home to mi tierra.

That will be my ending point for this DC journey...

I'm ready.

The LULAC office only has one lonely television and stone age VCR, which are both located in the office of the Communication’s Director, and lets loose a constant stream of information that barely resonates outside her area, really . There have been two exceptions: (1) when the Comprehensive Immigration Reform Bill was in the Senate, producing disappointed head shakes and many eye rolls from the staff, and (2) During a World Cup game, (what would you expect in a office full of Latinos?), where popcorn was made and munched on in-between typing, e-mail replying and phone calling.
Overall, however, I do fell most exposed to news here and now than at any point in my life! I was amazed to see a LCD screen in the elevator with updated headlines and weather news. Are you kidding me? It never stops. I always perceived myself as an “aware” individual, aware about my surroundings and what is going on in the world, but until recently here in DC, I’ve realized that I’m not nearly as aware as I should be. A great co-worker told me, “DC polishes people, it makes them ready to face anything outside this city,” and I hope it does “polish” me. I hope it molds me into a leader, who’s aware of her surroundings and the world around her.